Unlearning Helplessness

The list of things making me feel out of control and out of resources just keeps getting longer. The school superintendent doesn't want anyone to give homework or tests next week because some people still don't have power. Good idea, why add stress to these kids lives, but next week is the end of a grading period and we have grading scales that are weighted, so if you've only given one test...it's going to count more than the rules allow. My district is famous for "doing the right thing for kids", but it doesn't much deal with the details.
Paul Newman has died. He was 83 and I knew he was ill, but somehow, I never imagined a world without him. How must poor Joanne Woodward feel?
The trucks came and got the piles of storm debris out of the yards yesterday. This is a good thing. They left a border of leafy, mulch along each block. The men across the street got theirs in order ASAP. This sends Gram to the window wringing her hands about how, and when ours will be cleaned up. So as soon as I got up and moving this morning I went out to sweep and rake. The sprinkler had already been on, so all this gradoo was wet, but that didn't deter your determined yard girl. No sir, I got behind that push broom and swept it into a nice big pile. I picked it all up and put it into a trash bag lined garbage can. Result...a bag of leaves so heavy I barely survived lifting it out of the can. Now it's sitting at the foot of the drive where it will have to remain until Wednesday when the trash man comes again. OMG these are the kinds of things that make Mother nuts with anxiety. I told her that I had done the unthinkable, she assured me that she should have told me not to go out there...as she knew that the mess was wet. These things turn me into a child, trying to get it right for her, and having her lack of faith in my capacity to do a single damn thing right totally re-inforced. Someday, before one of us dies, I hope that she will just look at me and say, thanks for trying. I know that 'good job' is out of the question, but if she could just acknowledge that my effort was noticed....
That darn Barack Obama should have put John McCain away last night in the first debate. He had the bull by the horns going in, I thought. But he let the old geezer off playing Mr. Nice, Steady, Competent, Smart Future President. McCain looked like the doddering incompetent he is, but Obama didn't level him. So now the pundits are calling it a draw.I did see one poll on CNN last night that gave a win to Obama by significant margins on all issues polled. I loved that.
Bailout or no bailout. I've tried reading what a number of different economists think,and it seems that a significant number don't support the idea. What I can't stand is the idea of another aspect of the government (treasury) coming under the authoritarian control of the unelected elite. Paulson's plan calls for no oversight, no judicial review, complete autonomy to act. He was the CEO of one of these renegade financial institutions before coming to Washington...how do we trust his judgement to get us out of what he had a pretty big hand at causing in the first place?
So here we sit on the brink of financial ruin, maybe. We have two huge unmown, yellowed spots on the lawn to remind us of Ike. It's only 40 or so days until the election and Sarah Palin still might be elected Vice President of the United States.
A short semester has been shortened by almost three weeks. I've made my knees hurt doing Walk Away the Pounds, but I still have to wear size 12 jeans.
But....my granddaughter is able to sit up and try out sweet potatoes for the first time with her brand new bottom front teeth. She's able to reach for things with her grasping little hands and squeal with delight when someone tickles her little fat belly. She's able to get anyone in a restaurant to give her attention with just a smile, but if that fails she can always blow 'em her mouth fart noise.
Girls don't have to be helpless.

After All...

We went back to work today. The semester was barely three weeks old when we debunked to hide from Ike the Gulf Storm. The faculty met and it was determined that about half still have no power. Some experienced only minor inconveniences and lost power for less than a day. Others had trees through the roof, every room damaged, carpets ruined, floors buckled and months of expensive repairs ahead.
I was totally unprepared to work today. We needed to get grades in by three o'clock because progress reports are going out Friday. The Principal wants every parent contacted if the grade is below 74. I understand her motivation, but it seems hard to call someone who may be on day 15 without power and tell him his kid is failing social studies. After all, this is kind of a stressful time for folks around here.
I couldn't focus on what I needed to do. I was in one of those Claritin kind of fogs or needed my blood sugar adjusted or something. It was as if my brain was not available to deal with the matters at hand.
We went to lunch at the local Mexican restaurant, where enchiladas seemed to be the comfort food of choice. I notice that everyone seems to be grateful for whatever dire straits they were blessed to avoid, but still we've been strained by displacement, darkness or demands on our resources. Ike was here briefly, but the evidence of his visit isn't going to go away anytime soon. The piles of debris are turning brown and breeding seething flocks of gargantuan mosquitoes.
Writing this I am able to understand why I feel tired. Everyone is tired. Coping is hard work and when the kids come back to school tomorrow we know that they won't really be prepared to focus on school.
The collapse of the economy seems more eminent with the proposed $700 billion bailout. Bush is addressing the nation tonight to tell us how urgent the bailout is.
He only comes out of his hole when he and his elitist appointees have brought everything to the edge of the abyss. The McCain campaign is suspending their political endeavours so that the Senator can return to Washington and help forestall economic chaos. After all, we cannot be playing partisan politics at a time of crisis. We can't stand and explain to the American people what we think or plan to do about such problems either.
I'm tired. After all, I've been through a hurricane, been out of work for almost two weeks, have had to watch my country slip into Third World Status. It's draining and demoralizing.
It's time to start looking for the upside...there's bound to be one. As Scarlett said, "Tomorrow is another day."

Powering Up

Ten days after Ike made landfall and tore hell out of southeast Texas, our power has been restored. CenterPoint Energy has made a lot of enemies in the last few days, but I'm not one. I've driven around enough to see what the linemen are up against, and I'm just glad we only had to wait ten days...it could have been much worse.
Here in the Planned Community, the big trees were snapped off, uprooted and thrown around like Ike's personal Lincoln Logs. We were among the fortunate ones who only had to clean up limbs and rake trash into piles. There were no windows broken, no holes in the roof, the house is intact.
I've finally seen television and the pictures from Gilchrist, Crystal Beach, and Galveston are of total devastation. It will take a long, long time for life to reach any semblance of normality along the coast.
The things you miss are so strange. Brewed coffee is such an ordinary thing, but if you have instant made with water boiled in the fireplace, you really appreciate Mr. Coffee and Folger's.
I didn't miss television except for the news....I'm a news junkie, and I have been in withdrawal for ten days. I missed the Internet. I even missed being able to go to work. When my cell phone battery finally died, I missed not having anyone's phone number. Remember when you could remember the phone number of everyone in your immediate world? Now I don't even know my kids' numbers. Everyone is on the contact list.
If you've never been through a hurricane, I can't begin to tell you what it does to your stress level. Other parts of the country have blizzards and tornadoes, earthquakes and volcanoes. I've never been involved in any of that action, but I'll bet you wouldn't want to trade disasters.
Hurricanes' destruction just seems to be so wide spread and take so many different forms. What isn't blown to hell is wet and covered in mud and mold.
But it's over and hopefully, it will be another twenty-five years before Galveston takes a direct hit. Maybe twenty-five years will be long enough for Galveston to get back on it's feet.

Waiting for Ike

A monstrously big hurricane is looming off the Texas Coast this morning. A gigantic swirling bully named Ike. He's expected to make landfall in the early morning hours Saturday, but long before that we will feel his hot breath on our necks.
Hurricanes are a part of living on the Gulf Coast. I have been through two. As a child there was Carla, the hurricane that made Dan Rather's career, and as a young mother we endured a week without electricity after Alicia. So we know a little bit about what is in store.
The build up to a hurricane is almost fun. You get to buy supplies and make plans and get prepared. Once the gas tank is full, the prescriptions are filled, the pantry is piled with canned goods (and you have a manual can opener), and there's a supply of bottled water, you are set.
Every TV weatherman in town is up around the clock telling you more than you ever wanted to know about the wind speed and barometric pressure.
But the time is going to come when the fun is over, and you know that this is not worth a day off of school. When you have to huddle in the hallway and listen to the windows rattle and the walls shake, it will stop being an adventure and start being real damn scary.
There has been a mandatory evacuation for the coastal and low-lying areas since 9:30 Thursday morning. It's now Friday morning, and the reporters are still seeing some people who say they are going to ride out the storm in Galveston. Mental illness has to be a part of the process for someone who thinks that it would be a good idea to remain in Galveston for the next twenty-four hours. I don't care what property you think you need to protect. If you don't understand that the looters won't be out in this weather, you don't have a grasp of the concept.
I just moved into my new classroom in the newly remodeled school where I teach. We've only been there for three weeks. I have never enjoyed a classroom as much. It is beautiful and shiny new from window blinds to dry erase boards. If Ike messes up my new classroom, I will be furious!
But, I have an idea that Ike is going to mess up a whole lot more than a schoolroom. This storm has killed nearly one hundred people as it moved across the Caribbean. We are in for an ordeal.
Right now we have power and the rain hasn't begun. We can still have hot coffee and blow dry our hair after a warm shower. I only hope that it's not a matter of weeks before we can enjoy those comforts again.
God bless Texas.

Give Me a Break

If I turn on the television and see John McCain peering out from behind the Pit Bull with lipstick once more, I'll puke. The American people are quite out of touch with reality. These people belong to the party that is driving the country to the brink of collapse, and the ignorant electorate are excited because this bimbo is promising to reform Washington. How can people swallow this line of bull? The Republicans continue to harangue on their theme of hate thy neighbor and fear the world. Tomorrow Obama's use of the idiom about putting lipstick on a pig, will be flying from the mastheads across the country as a sexist remark. It's okay for them to slime you, but don't dare throw anything back. Karl Rove has taught them how to play this game with a vengeance.
My kids won't read. I gave a quiz today and for the second time this semester (only 3 weeks) practically everyone failed. Not because it's hard or they are not smart. Just a simple matter of not reading. They don't have any capacity to remember information. "I studied", they whine. No you didn't. You don't have a clue how to study. But these quizzes aren't going away this semester. I'm tired of giving in and lowering my expectations. That's what education has drifted down to...the lowest common denominator. Too bad for America. We're losing our edge in so many ways, and the kids don't even believe it when you tell them. Wake up and do something to make the world better. Stop adoring yourselves for a minute and take an honest look at where we are, and how it's going to affect your future.
I just saw a group page on facebook that a former student posted. You know your from our hometown if... Way too many of the references had to do with drinking and drugs. These kids have no heroes, and they don't stand for anything in particular, but they are proud of their ability to drink and drive.
The good news is that they are firm believers in their families' political views. They are firmly indoctrinated in GOP conservatism. They are pro-life, pro death penalty, and all for lowering the drinking age to 18. They know their rights and freedoms. They cuss out any damn body they please, run a redlight if they need to, and since they have no idea what habeas corpus is....it doesn't matter to them if it gets suspended.
Tough day at the factory. The product seems flawed. Quality control is out to lunch, and the books are being doctored by an accountability firm called No Child Left Behind.

American Fall

September is here. The time when the light changes almost imperceptibly, but enough to make you aware of the passing of a season. The mornings have been cooler this week. The afternoons let you know that you're still in Texas, and the sweaters and coats in Vogue and Macy's won't be needed here for quite awhile.
The political parties' conventions are over and the campaigning begins in earnest. I notice that many people I know are wowed by Sarah Palin and the astute choice McCain has made to reform Washington by bringing in the female equivalent of his maverick self. It seems incongruous to me that the Republicans have been the party in power for the past eight years, and now they are going to reform themselves. What good did McCain do during the previous nearly thirty years that he has been in Washington? Other than make friends with Joe Lieberman.
I wish that these people who are buying into the right wing rhetoric were paying attention to how government has functioned under the Republicans. Loss of habeas corpus, politicizing the Justice Department, invading Iraq, and ruining the economy don't seem to be reasons to deny the Republicans another four years to those who are certain that Obama will join forces with Bin Ladin, make everyone a Muslim, do away with the Second Amendment and appoint raving Liberal justices to the Supreme Court in his first hundred days in office. My friends are afraid that Obama will take away their hard earned fortunes and redistribute their wealth to hordes of indigent welfare mothers who have done nothing to deserve a handout, nevermind a hand up.
Four short years ago, in the last election, I too was swayed by the fear of the Karl Rove political machine. If we weren't in Iraq, we'd be overrun by Muslim fanatics. Our corporatist economy was sound....liberals meant the Clintons.
What a difference. Now I see the world through different eyes. The right-wing Christian fundamentalists don't seem very Christlike at all. In fact, their lack of compassion is scary. The faces at the RNC seemed all remarkably alike. Mostly white, mostly male, uncomfortable some way. Not very like America with all its races and religions and variations on every theme.
I felt more comfortable watching the Democratic Party in Denver. That crowd at Invesco was emotionally invested in narrowing the gap between the haves and have nots. They were rich and poor and black and white. They were right and wrong, but they care about people and their country more than stockholders and the bottomline.
This fall will be a long season. We are all going to have to sift through a great deal to find our own kernel of truth in this political season. While the leaves turn, and college boys play football and students get back to their classes, America is going to have to make a choice. Are we going to save our country from a Party which has spent eight years making our government unrecognizable by its authoritarian shift. Or are we going to take back our government and try again to abide by the principles of limited and representative democracy.
I hope that this November we'll have something to be truly thankful for when we sit down for our American fall holiday.

Munchkin at Four Months

Spent Labor Day weekend in Dallas with the Munchkin and her folks. Greatgram hadn't seen the MP since June and that's just too long. She has grown, though she still seems small to me. She has the most delicate and expressive little hands and tiny feet.

She has the face of a doll and she is already aware of her capacity to charm. In restaurants she flirts with people at the surrounding tables. She blows loud noisy sounds with her dad. She reads quietly with her mom. She looks at every picture on every page. If things get off schedule or if she gets too tired...beware...she does have a very loud capacity for hurt feelings.

Leaving her is the hardest thing to do. Someone said that having a child is like walking around with your heart outside your body. I had forgotten that feeling as my own children grew up and became competent adults. Now I remember the feeling very well.

Yesterday morning she fell asleep in my arms and I put her in her crib to nap. My last sight of her was sleeping peacefully on her side. I wasn't there to see her awakening smile. But I know where my heart is.

The McCain Campaign

What the hell is John McCain thinking? How can the Republican Party spin the possibility that a 44 year old broadcast journalism major from Wasilla, Alaska is capable of becoming commander-in-chief? Two weeks ago they were all over pundit land railing that Obama was unqualified because he lacked experience. Now they have brought out the Governor of a state with fewer people than Austin, Texas to lead the free world.
She may be the ultimate right winger and have stood up to the corrupt good ol' boys in Anchorage, but I sure as the doubts don't want her for my president. It is terribly hard to understand the reasoning behind this choice. The world is a very complex and dangerous place. If we are so very nearly re-engaged in the "cold war", why would we want a hockey mom who has never had a passport to be eyeball to eyeball with Putin and Amahdenijad? This is insane.
If there was ever any doubt in my mind about my choice in the election....all doubt has been removed.
Speaking of the election. School has resumed, and we are studying the way government is supposed to work in this country. The kids are showing some interest in the conventions and campaigns. The school children of Texas are very much red state indoctrinated, so most will follow their Republican parents to the polls to vote against all those taxes Obama would put on the rich and well-born. I am quiet and when they ask for whom I would vote, there is short speech on my objectivity as a teacher. I do however, take the teachable moments to correct false and inaccurate information that they may have picked up via the Internet.
My goal as a teacher is to make sure that they are registered to vote if eligible and that they take their civic responsibility very seriously.